My Week of Stephenie Meyer Movie Masochism

Out of both morbid curiosity and a misplaced sense of obligation I decided earlier that I would watch all five of the Twilight movies. I’ve talked enough trash on Twilight over the years, and previously having only read part of the first book and seen the first movie, I thought it was time I made things fair and sat down to watch the whole thing. As it turns out, another movie adapted from an awful Stephenie Meyer story called The Host also opened this weekend, so I figured I might as well go full tilt and subject myself to the entirety of Stephenie Meyer’s film adaptations in one week.

My review for The Host will be up soon, but for the Twilight series I took to Twitter to share my thoughts. For those of you who missed it here are my thoughts, musings, and miscellaneous cries of pain shared while watching these movies.

Twilight:

My week of Stephenie Meyer Masochism begins. Oh god, what’s wrong with me?

Wait, did that voice over just change from future to present mid-stream?
Yeah, it totally did. Not even two minutes into the film and the writing is already nonsensical.
Oh look! It’s Taylor Lautner! Someone you will never see in another movie ever again.
Kristin Stewart Smile Counter: #1 pained looking smile when meeting Jacob’s dad. 4:23
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #2: Forced smile in response to new truck from Dad. 5:08
Twilight, featuring slow-motion class schedule reading.
Did anyone want to be in this movie? So far every single member of the cast looks either bored or completely uncomfortable.
I’m Bella Swan and every single boy falls in love the moment they look at me but I want to date a creepy, emotionally abusive corpse.
“Jasper, the one who looks like he’s in pain.” That describes everyone in this movie and the audience.
In Twilight, everyone’s Jasper.

RT @CodextehFish: Correction: he looks like he’s pooped his pants and is terrified everyone else will find out.
Yay! Some camp! It’s not much but at least it’s better than deathly serious stupidity.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #3 Awkward, unconvincing smile after gazing longingly at Edward. 10:08
RT @PABastien:”Gazing Longingly at Edward” AKA the alternate title for the franchise.
Oh camp, will you please save me from the drudgery that is this movie?
This look on Robert Pattinson’s face is priceless. The introduction to Biology class is the best scene in the movie so far.
Oh Robert, the camp you’re bringing to this scene, intentional or not, is making me almost want to forgive you for being part of these films
Creepy sexual innuendo: creepy old man talking about leaving an impression on Bella when she was younger.
I’m Kristen Stewart and I don’t know how to use a ketchup bottle.
Seriously, she holds it sideways, waves it around for a second and puts it back without even managing to get a drop of ketchup.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #4: Bored looking smirk while listening to messages from mom. 13:02
Correction: it’s an actual conversation, not messages. My apologies to anyone who cares.
Bella’s on screen relationship with her father goes beyond the intended awkwardness and approaches uncaring.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #5: slightly manic looking smile while blinking faster than a hummingbird flaps its wings. 18:07
So this is supposed to be the scene where we start caring about their budding relationship, but it just comes across as immature and inane.
There’s nothing inherently appealing or charming about Edward and we know nothing about him yet.
This whole romance is based in the extremely juvenile attitude of “he doesn’t like me, I must have him.”
The utter disdain Pattinson portrays towards this film is kind of fantastic.
I mean, everyone else looks either bored or uncomfortable, but Pattinson looks like he lost a bet.
I know this horse has been beaten to death but how do you wake up to find someone standing in a corner staring at you and not call the cops?
Also, how do you watch this movie and think it’s something good?
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #6: another phony smile as she talks yet again about how she’s awkward. 26:31
Oh god, this is such a painfully forced and insincere relationship. There is not an ounce of chemistry between these two.
RT @HelenKiaya: Which only makes it funnier that they dated IRL. Or “dated,” whichever’s the truth.
Oh this is miserable. Can I have some more camp please?
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #7: annoyed looking smirk after being invited to the beach by her “friends” that she hates. 30:21
Twilight just borrowed a visual cue from Raimi’s Spider-Man to remind you what a good movie is.
“Let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart.” By god, she just might be onto something.
Bella’s talking about strong, independent women. Oh the irony is disgusting.
In Twilight all Native Americans have the same haircut.
Ergh, I can’t do this any more tonight, and I have to get up for work tomorrow. We’ll pick this up again tomorrow evening. Night all.
Part 2 of Tweeting with Twilight begins momentarily.
RT @HelenKiaya: You mean Tweeting With A Twilight. Because then it can be shortened to TWAT. #appropriate
Let’s see, where were we? Oh yeah, that part where nothing was happening. Which, incidentally, describes roughly 87.5% of the movie.
Oh look, it’s dumb vampires doing dumb things.
Another incredibly dead horse, but these special effects would make SyFy blush.
Bella, Edward told you to Google adrenaline rushes, not Quileute Legends.
One of the Google hits on screen here is “Legends of the Slapping Beaver.” I’m not making this up.
RT @PABastien: Why does that sound like a porno movie?
I’m not sure if that counts for the Kristen Stewart Smile Counter. I think the sun may have just been in her eyes.
I’m Bella, and oh god do I despise my friends.
I’m Bella and my superpower of making men fall in love with me after only one look is suddenly becoming a bad thing.
I really wish Edward had said “come with me if you want to live”
If there’s not already a Tumblr of Robert Pattinson faces in Twilight someone should get right on that.
RT @PABastien: trollbertpattinson.tumblr.com
“That’s so thoughtful.”
“That’s really thoughtful.”
“I should eat something.”Please tell me this screenplay was nominated for an Oscar.
I would keep a relationship red flag counter but I would have to pause the movie every couple of seconds in order to keep up.
Little did Edward know that the reason he couldn’t read Bella’s mind is because she’s a robot.
RT @PABastien: Her actually being a robot might make the movie halfway interesting.
So literally the whole “hook” of the story is human girl falls in love with vampire…
…yet they feel the need to have an extended scene spoon feeding the audience that same information.
Literally, they’re highlighting words & displaying them full screen. Yeah, we get it, he’s a vampire, thanks for the update captain obvious.
Ah, the “I know what you are” scene. This is a tour-de-force of screenwriting.
I’m well acquainted with the idea of “sparkly vampires” but seeing this again just drives home how absolutely stupid the whole thing is.
There’s also a severe dissonance in what’s being presented. Edward acts like its something revolting…
…but the target audience’s reaction is “ooh pretty!”
This “I’m the best predator” monologue is vaguely reminiscent of Hayden Christensen’s “I SLAUGHTERED THEM LIKE ANIMALS!!!” monologue.
“I’ve never wanted to kill anyone more than you.”
“OMG I LOVE YOU!”Twilight is like bad fan fiction of itself.
Yet again, when the movie is striving for “awww” it’s winding up with “ehhhrg.”
There’s nothing sweet or compelling about this romance, it’s just creepy and uncomfortable.
Forget being a vampire story, as a romance it fails on the most basic level.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #8: grimmacy half-smile that lasts for spilt second before reverting to a frown. 58:00
Ouch, that was some bad ADR.
I guess I’ll find out over the next few days but is there ever a reasonable explanation for why vampires have arbitrary super powers?
I mean aside from standard vampire stuff. Edward’s telepathy, for instance.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #9: almost convincing smile as Edward jumps off her truck. 1:01:30
Sorry guys, the movie’s gotten boring again. Not much to comment on at the moment.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #10: painful smile while Edward is giving her a piggy-back ride. 1:09:36
There’s some occasionally interesting visual choices in this movie but it’s wasted on such utter crap.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #11: forced half smile in response to the script’s dumb joke. 1:12:13
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #12: semi-convincing smile while talking about Edward on the phone. 1:14:15
Also, I’m kind of amazed that we’ve had two Kristen Stewart smiles in two minutes.
So, um, how has Bella not called the police at least ten times already this movie?
Ergh, this kiss is one of the most unromantic, creepy, and more than a little revolting things I’ve seen in a romance film.
As someone who believes a mature approach to abstinence can be a good thing, the metaphor of Twilight is stunningly juvenile & wrong-headed.
Oh good. Vampire baseball. If I recall correctly this is one of the highlights of this film.
Hooray! Camp!
Thunderclaps when hitting a baseball, bad VFX, and Edward faces! This is the new best scene of the movie.
If they had gone full camp with this series it might have been wonderful.
Instead they slavishly stuck to Meyer’s incompetent and over-serious novels.
Oh almost missed this:
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #13: Bored, toothy grin while watching vampire baseball. 1:19:46
“Edward has NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!!”Dat line delivery.
So why is the bad guy vampire all of a sudden a pretentious film student?
Edward face!
What’s sort of frustrating is the utter lack of creativity. No set-ups, no pay-offs, no clever turns of the narrative; it’s all just dull.
So, uh, did none of the doctors notice the giant human bite mark on Bella’s forearm? No? Oh.
This line delivery is so good.
This is like an after school special about dysfunctional relationships except it doesn’t realize it’s an after school special.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #14: awkward almost smile after dad says she looks pretty. 1:47:25
Jacob in the first Twilight movie = obvious, ham-fisted foreshadowing. At least they’re actually trying for a set-up/payoff here.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #15: slightly stoned-looking smile after cringe worthy bit of foreshadowing dialogue. 1:48:48
Have I mentioned this on screen relationship is, at best, completely awkward and unconvincing, and at worst quite creepy?
Oh. The last line of the movie is a groan worthy abstinence metaphor.
So, recap. Totall Kristen Stewart Smiles: 15. Best scene: vampire baseball. Second best scene: anything with Edward face.
The movie was trash but there was at least enough camp to be occasionally enjoyable. I fear the next two movies will cut back on that.
Still slightly baffled how this became as big as it did.
Heading to bed, but before I do, I’ll leave you with my favorite Twilight related video:

New Moon:

I will be starting New Moon in a few minutes for anyone who cares to witness my suffering.
Also, this was really awful planning on my part. BioShock Infinite came out today and I’m stuck watching Twilight movies >:{
So the first movie is the only one of the Twilight films I’ve seen prior to this. I’m about to enter new territory.
I also read a little more than half of the first book before getting bored and frustrated and vowing to never again read a word from Meyer.
All I know of these next few stories is the basic elements that have been absorbed into pop culture.
Movie starting now.
So, um, the sparkling effects are marginally better. Yay, I guess?
Of course. They would have Romeo and Juliet on the pillow next to Bella’s head as she wakes up.
What’s the most obvious, trite, and clichéd bit of symbolism we can put in here? Okay, do that.
RT @PABastien: If only it would end like Shakespeare with both characters dying horrific unnecessary deaths.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #1: disgruntled looking smile after dad gives her a camera for her birthday. 3:29
I’m Bella and I don’t understand obvious jokes.
I don’t think that one counts for the Kristen Stewart Smile counter. I think something may have just been stuck in her teeth.
“Maybe I shouldn’t be dating such an old man; it’s gross.”
Bella keeps vocalizing everything wrong with this relationship but like the target audience and the author she fails to get it.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #2: completely unconvincing courtesy smile after receiving gift from boyfriend’s sister. 8:17
I’m Bella and I’m sort of an ungrateful jerk.
New Moon looks like it had a bigger budget, but they’re not doing anything with it. It’s just bland shots of poorly written dialogue scenes.
We haven’t even gotten any decent Edward faces yet.
Michael Sheen, please save this movie from being dull and lifeless.
Michael sheen just got to tear someone’s head off. If only the moment could have lasted longer.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #3: annoyed smile when Cullens throw her a birthday party.
If these were real vampires it’d be sort of amusing to see all of the pictures of Bella at this party seemingly by herself.
That was almost campy enough to be entertaining, but not quite. Can we please have some real camp? I’m desperate.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #4: dead-eyed sarcastic smile when responding to daddy Cullen’s comment about damnation. 16:38
Bella is so insufferably whiny in this one.
“Kiss meeee.”More stunning line delivery.
And now Edward is creeping around her room while she’s not there. Will someone please call the police?
Robert Pattinson looks almost as bored as I do. Almost a half-hour into the movie and there hasn’t been a single Edward face.
Also, this break up scene has zero weight to it because there’s no depth to the relationship. Nothing is being lost.
Any sane person in the audience is saying “good, now maybe Bella can find a real, healthy relationship.”
It also doesn’t help that neither of these characters have a character.
Bella’s only defining trait is being in love with Edward and never having a convincing smile.
Edward’s only defining trait is being in love with Bella and occasionally making goofy faces.
That’s it. There’s no depth or humanity to either of them. There’s nothing to relate to on any emotional level.
So does this break up scene mean that my Kristen Stewart Smile Counter has finished being useful for this movie?
Oh god! This movie is 2 hours and 10 minutes! I’m going to have to kill myself before this is over.
This is…

Oh the melodrama.
To my lady followers: you fall asleep in the woods & a guy w/ no shirt finds you & starts carrying your unconscious body. Creepy or romantic
Personally, I’m leaning towards creepy.
We’re really just going to spend the next hour and a half watching Bella be depressed, aren’t we?
This is so dysfunctional! How does anyone read/watch this and think “oh, that’s so sweet/romantic/whatever”?
“I like my old friends.”
“Well, you never see them anymore.”
“Because I hate my friends and always have! God, weren’t you paying attention?”
I’m not sure but I think Anna Kendrick is doing an in-character take down of this movie.
And now Bella’s hallucinating. Could your hallucinatory Edward at least make Edward faces. That would be nice.
And now Bella’s trying to be murdered. Great.
Anna Kendrick is most definitely dancing around the fourth wall.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #5: fake depression smile when Jacob awkwardly picks her up and spins her around. 36:09
Jacob and Bella are a perfect match because they both have stunning line delivery. #teamjacob
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #6: the classic “your friends are annoying me” non-smile. 38:57
Well there’s not a ton of chemistry but the Jacob/Bella relationship is at least not as horrifically creepy.
I’m Bella and I scream at night because I want attention.
So I’m eagerly anticipating the inevitable scene where Jacob’s haircut is a major event in the story.
I’m Bella Swan and if there’s at least an 83% chance that something will kill me it becomes the sole focus of my existence.
I’m Jacob and I think shirts are better for bandages than they are for wearing.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #7: split second fake smile that dissolves into the “I hate my friends” face. 48:01
Stephenie Meyer’s fake action movie name is Face Punch. #themoreyouknow
I would rather be watching Face Punch.
Twilight morality: sex is bad, R-rated action movies are bad, subservience to creepy abusive men is good.
Aha, Jacob has major anger issues. Bella couldn’t be in love with someone well adjusted, that just wouldn’t be right.
Haircut scene ahoy.
So New Moon is apparently the movie where the universe is telling Bella she’s being stupid but she decides to keep being stupid anyway.
Oh Taylor, your line delivery might be even more spectacular than Kristen’s.
Literally, there has not been a single enjoyable scene in the first hour of this movie.
Oh these wolf effects are wonderful.
I’m Bella and these are the qualities I look for in a man: creepy, abusive, and able to enter my second floor bedroom through the window.
So, Bella has a scar that’s in the perfect shape of a set of human teeth. How’d she explain that one to her dad?
I’m Jacob and I think shirts are dumb.
So why does Jacob’s dad’s ability to walk arbitrarily change depending on the scene?
“Guess the wolf’s out of the bag”*facepalm*
In Twilight all Native Americans have the same long haircut unless they turn into wolves in which case they all have the same short haircut.
I don’t think this story has any idea where it’s going. It’s just meandering through different scenes.
I haven’t watched Eclipse yet, but I have a pretty strong hunch that the two movies could have been easily combined into one.
The pacing in this is so dreadful.
This is such a terribly boring action scene.
I’m Bella and oh god do I wish Jacob would claw the hell out of half of my face.
There is no excuse for this movie being 2 hours and 10 minutes long.
I can’t get over Taylor Lautner’s line delivery.
There are at least four different characters in this movie that call Bella an idiot, including Bella.
“DON’T get me upset. Things are going to get VERY UGLY!”Sadly even awful line delivery isn’t helping much in making this enjoyable.
So I thought Alice’s superpower was seeing the future, not seeing things that are currently happening.
Oh good, it’s Michael Sheen. Perhaps this will finally stop being miserable.
So, really, what would actually happen if Edward “revealed” himself?
He goes out into the middle of the town and starts to sparkle… at worst people would just be slightly confused.
I mean, even in the Twilight universe most people associate vampires with the standard mythology. Sparkling won’t register.
Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning are both vampires with excessive eye makeup. This should be fantastic, but it’s miserable.
Sheen is *almost* making this better.
Little did Michael Sheen know, the reason he can’t read Bella’s thoughts is because she’s still a robot.
So if Bella’s a robot and vampire powers don’t work on her, why can Alice still see her future?
Taylor Lautner’s performance makes Pattinson’s bored, phoned-in performance seen remarkable by comparison.
Pfffffffffffffffffftbbbbt
Recap. Total Kristen Stewart Smiles: 7. Best scene: Michael Sheen stuff, I guess. Second best scene: nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Oh that movie was miserable. There was not a single enjoyable moment in the movie, and effectively nothing happened.
The whole story of New Moon should have been told in roughly a 45 minutes. It’s the first half, at best, of a movie spread out over 2 hrs.
I’m glad this was only the first time because I never want to endure this movie again.
Perhaps the worst offense of New Moon was its distinct lack of Edward face. That and being absolutely miserably boring.
Seriously, though, not a single Edward face in the entire film. God, I hope Eclipse is better than this was.

Eclipse:

I will be starting Eclipse in just a moment. Come join me as I descend further into madness.
Well at least Eclipse can’t be any worse than New Moon, right? Right?
Credit where credit is due: that opening sequence wasn’t bad. I fear it’s all downhill from here, though.
Two movies later and this relationship is still incredibly awkward and more than a little creepy.
Two movies later and Kristen Stewart’s line delivery continues to be astounding.
“God, dad! Your completely reasonable suggestion that my relationship with Edward is at least a little unhealthy is so unfair! I hate you!”
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #1: an attempt at a sentimental look while reading a note from Jacob. 7:24
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #2: fake laugh in response to something said by on of her friends that she hates. 9:06
They’ve gone full tilt with overly expository narration in this one to compensate for the fact that Kristen Stewart can’t emote.
I’m Bella and I don’t need a college education because a man is going to marry me and grant me eternal life.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #3: another annoyed smile in response to someone giving her a gift. 14:13
Well at least things are happening in this movie. It’s still painfully dull and overly serious but at least it’s not nothing.
Red-Headed Vampire Girl Who Runs Really Fast is the most pointless of villains.
She’s supposed to be some big threat but in every movie all she does is show up for a second before getting chased away by the good guys.
She’s like Swiper from Dora the Explorer.
“Victoria no biting! Victoria no biting!”
“Aw man!”
Oh Taylor Lautner, I’m starting to warm to your awful acting. It’s beginning to enter the realm of gloriously bad.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #4: the return of the “Jacob, make your stupid friends go away” smile. 20:54
“Do I even want to know what [imprinting] is?”No Bella, you don’t. You really, really don’t.
Go Taylor, go! Chew that scenery!
That was *almost* an Edward face. Come on, Robert, don’t let me down.
Eclipse, narrated by Captain Obvious.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #5: this time it’s a “Jacob, now you’re being almost as stupid as your stupid friends” smile. 40:04
I’m Bella and I adore toying with the emotions of muscley guys who can’t act.
Sorry that there hasn’t been much to say about this one. It’s just the right amount of bad to be completely un-noteworthy.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #6: a smile barely masking boredom at graduation. Given the context this one’s actually convincing. 50:25
Oh Taylor, never stop awkwardly including mild swear words into your dialogue. Every line is a gem.
This is trying hard to recapture the wonderful campy magic of vampire baseball, but like everything else in this movie it’s just bland.
And in case you hadn’t already picked up on it, they make sure to drive the creepy bestiality angle home with this scene.
I thought they said Jasper was the newest vampire in the first movie, now he’s been a vampire since the Civil War? Did I miss something?
Also, with all this civil war vampire stuff I’m almost wishing there was an Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter crossover.
So now that we’ve seen Jasper’s backstory he’s suddenly talking like a Confederate soldier when he never has before.
It’s sort if amazing how these movies feature so many secondary characters giving Bella good advice which she repeatedly rejects…
…yet the story still rewards her and presents her foolish, damaging decisions as right.
People who have read the books: is this true of the novels as well or is this a quality exclusive to the movies?
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #7: the “oh no, not the sex talk” smile. 1:12:13
Uh-oh, I feel a heavy handed and juvenile approach to an abstinence message coming on.
Oh yeah, this is insanely weird and uncomfortable.
“Have sex with me”
*Edward looks directly into the camera*
“Sex will KILL YOU!”
Again, I am all for a mature choice to abstain until marriage, but there is nothing healthy or mature about this.
It’s just creepy and juvenile.
To anyone who praises Twilight for promoting abstinence, they’re clearly missing the message.
The message of Twilight is a relationship based solely on the promise of sex with sex as a forbidden fruit that can’t be had until marriage
It’s this immature look at abstinence that leads people to rush prematurely into life long commitments just as Bella is.
Sorry. Stepping off the soap box. Back to the movie.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #8: slightly disappointed smile over getting an engagement ring instead of sex. 1:19:31
Wait… is Victoria Bryce Dallas Howard in this one?
She is! How did I not notice this until now?
Credit where credit is due again: vampire army emerging from the water is at least somewhat visually interesting.
This is such silly pandering to the Jacob fans.
I’m Bella, and even though I’m engaged to be married I must spoon with my ex to survive.
It’s hilarious how hard Taylor Lautner tries to be cool.
So. Much. Pandering.
I’m Bella, I’m engaged to be married and I’m totally making out with my ex to “save his life” *wink*
I thought in the Twilight universe the only way to kill a vampire was dismemberment and burning. There’s a distinct lack of dismemberment.
Finally, a decapitation.
Today I learned that vampires are made out of frozen lighter fluid.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #9: forced smile when talking about spending eternity with her creepy abusive corpse fiancé. 1:54:16
Recap. Total Kristen Stewart Smiles: 9. Best scene: ummm… Second best scene: I don’t remember anything that happened in this movie.
Eclipse was an improvement over New Moon though that’s not saying much. It was completely bland & forgettable. Not a single moment stood out
I also still think there was no reason for New Moon to be a separate story from Eclipse.
Nothing happens in New Moon, it’s just 2 hrs and 10 mins of establishing the love triangle.

Breaking Dawn – Part One:

Breaking Dawn – Part 1 starting now. Two in one night? Oh god help me.
I’m Jacob and I’m so distraught over receiving a wedding invitation that I have no choice but to take off my shirt.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #1: almost convincing smile as she and Edward discuss their wedding. 3:58
Ah, so this is what Twilight looks like with good direction.
Don’t get me wrong, the story is still trash, but there’s a distinct improvement in direction vs. the last two movies.
So Twilight really wants to drive home it’s creepy juvenile view of sex. Vampirism is a metaphor for sex and sex is a metaphor for sex.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #2: uncomfortable smile on her wedding day (or dream of wedding day? Not sure yet). 8:20
Thought it was a dream.
My god, that’s fantastic! Bella and Edward on top of a wedding cake made of corpses! Bravo Bill Condon!
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #3: an actual grateful looking smile after receiving a gift. I’m stunned! 11:15
This wedding scene is actually well directed, but the fatal flaw is that we still don’t care about any of these stupid characters.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #4: the classic “thanks for spoiling my wedding night” smile. 18:28
It’s incredible the nonsensical lengths Meyer will go to pander to the Jacob fans. Jacob as Edward’s best man? How does that even make sense
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #5: sentimental “I’ll miss you mom” smile. 26:51
Somehow Bill Condon manages to coerce some decently convincing smiles out of Kristen Stewart. I’m severely impressed.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #6: another decently convincing smile while dancing with Edward. I’m floored. 30:39
Uh-oh, here comes the creepy sex scene intended to further drive home a repugnant view of sexuality.
Another dead horse, but this is so icky & raises all sorts of bizarre biological questions regarding necrophelia & intercourse w/out a pulse
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #7: a bored half-smile as she gets ready to have disturbing sex with Edward. 33:35
Good, a fake smile. I was getting worried there.
Also, in a half-hour Breaking Dawn has matched the number of Kristen Stewart Smiles in all of New Moon’s 2 hrs and 10 mins.
Yay! Camp! I’ve missed you so. Never leave this series again.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #8: pained looking smile the morning after violent sex. 37:46
Yeah, and now it just went from campy to super creepy.
And now we’ve reached the part of the film that contains nothing but filler as an excuse for splitting this into two parts.
This is super creepy, and not in a good way.
It’s an absolute slavish dedication to Meyer’s insane and repugnant source material that’s killing this movie.
The first half-hour of the movie was actually not bad because it was allowed to be fun and creative. Now it’s just as dull as the last two.
Stephenie Meyer’s baby names are a microcosm of her lack of creativity as a writer.
Oh god…
This birth scene is the most fantastically insane terrifying thing that’s happened in any of these movies.
Oh Jacob falling in love with a baby that has a weird CGI face almost makes this movie worth watching.
To quote @devincf, oh Stephenie Meyer, you wonderful idiot.
The mind bending contrivances in this story that exist purely for the sake of making sure every character has a happy ending are astounding.
Also, the skeletor version of Kristen Stewart is another reason that’s almost good enough to justify watching this movie.
Why is there a heartbeat sound effect over Bella turning into a vampire? Vampires don’t have beating hearts.
Recap. Total Kristen Stewart Smiles: 8. Best scene: Pre-wedding nightmare Second best scene: Jacob “imprinting” on Renesme.
Oh wait, what’s this? This mid-credits stinger is pretty great too.
The most frustrating thing is that the first half-hour of the movie is almost good, then it descends into boring nothing.
Condon gets to show what he could do with the movie for long enough that we start to warm to the idea before it is taken from us.
Also, there was no reason for this to be a full movie.
There’s a few good moments at the end, but it’s not enough to save it from more than an hour of boring nothing.
Only one more of these things. Thank god.

Breaking Dawn – Part Two:

Now, onto the final day of Stephenie Meyer Masochism Week.
Why? Why would you inflict an extended version of Breaking Dawn – Part 1 on yourself? Even I’m not that crazy.
There’s a trailer for Perks of Being a Wallflower on this Blu-ray to remind you what a good movie looks like.
Alright, here we go. Breaking Dawn – Part 2 starts now.
So interesting question: how many Twilight cast members do you think will never be in anything ever again?
Like, do you see Jackson Rathbone ever being in another even major-ish role?
And Taylor Lautner is so bad with zero appeal outside the Twihard community I can’t really see him having much of a future.
Kristen Stewart obviously is doing other things but that feels like a classic case of prettiness making up for lack of acting chops.
Lautner could fall into that same camp, but even then he’d probably be limited to bad rom-coms.
This opening titles sequence is actually pretty neat, all things considered.
Yay! Camp! Right off the bat. Bless you Bill Condon.
Oh this is so wonderfully cheesy. Don’t make me endure the boring stuff after this.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #1: sly smile after nearly crushing her husband. 4:32
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #2: frighteningly manic smile while running through the woods with Edward. 5:35
This one needs to be shared #KristenStewartSmileCounter

Hah! Kristen Stewart is making an Edward face! I love it!
This is so delightfully ridiculous. That makes it hurt all the more that I know this can’t last.
That line delivery! Oh this is slaying me!
“Since when do you care about Renesmenesmenes?”
“Since I fell madly, deeply, and uncontrollably in love with an infant.”
I’m Jacob and I can finally stop being angry and moody because I’ve found someone I’m even more in love with: your newborn baby.
Renesmaloo’s fake CG face is super creepy. What was the reasoning behind that?
Renesmarie’s CG face is simultaneously revolting and unintentionally hilarious.
RT @PABastien: Historians of future will realize that it was at that moment American popular culture just became too creepy to handle.
“You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness monster?”This is one of the greatest lines in film history.
“Remember when we kissed and spooned and had sexy thoughts about each other? Well that wasn’t really you, it was your unborn daughter.”
“Your daughter that hadn’t been conceived yet.”
Stephenie Meyer, you wonderful, wonderful idiot.
I’ll get into this more in my review of The Host, but the narrative leaps Meyer takes to give every character a happy ending are insane.
Even when it’s completely uncalled for, everything has to work out perfectly for every character involved.
Case and point? Jacob falling in love with Bella’s newborn baby.
It’s insane and disturbing but in Meyer’s twisted mind it’s sweet and allows Jacob the chance to live happily ever after.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #3: uncomfortable smile when letting Rosalie hold Renesquick. 14:09
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #4: the “I’m dead now, but I still hate when people give me gifts” smile. 16:05
Sparkly orgasm. Oh god, you’re killing me Bill Condon.
Again, something I’ll discuss in my Host review, but Stephenie Meyer is obsessed with sex while simultaneously not understanding it.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #5: unconvincing smile the morning after vampire sex. 18:55
So other than the obvious answer (PG-13 rating) why are Twilight werewolves so concerned with preserving every piece of clothing but pants?
The other obvious answer is an excuse for young girls and creepy old ladies to get hot and bothered over Lautner’s abs.
RT @CodextehFish: Embarrassment. They feel insufficient, since they’re all juicers.
So since vampirism is a metaphor for sex and Bella now wants to “feed” on her dad is it safe to assume we’ve just found an Oedipus complex?
Even grandpa thinks Rental Car is a stupid baby name.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #6: extremely forced smile while arm-wrestling beefy vampires. 29:10
We’ve reached the part of the movie where nothing is happening.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #7: bored smile while talking to Ramen Noodles about snow. 30:54
@the_moviebob is right. The “immortal children” thing is one of the only clever ideas in this whole series.
Sadly, in the hands of Meyer that good idea is wasted.
So the plot of this movie is “there’s been a misunderstanding, so let’s collect every vampire in the world to help us explain.” *sigh*
I’m Jacob & I have nothing to do in this movie so I’m just awkwardly tagging along because I’m a sex symbol for underage girls & older women
I’m hoping for a plot twist where Bella’s dad shows up with a restraining order to keep Jacob away from his granddaughter Rice Krispies.
So Renesmerelda’s arbitrary vampire super power is the power of convenient plot devices.
So Michael Sheen’s vampire power is seeing someone’s memories by touching them and Ravioli’s power is sharing memories with touch…
…If the two got together would the result be an overwhelmingly vivid memory?
RT @PABastien: Deus ex vampirica
So they really never do explain the reason for these arbitrary vampire super powers, do they?
I’m by no means the kind if person who needs everything spelled out, but some internal logic would be nice.
Even the dumb vampire stuff like sparkling makes sense in Twilight universe, but even in Twilight universe the super powers don’t make sense
Even a stupid throwaway line about vampirism mutating your genetic code allowing for X-Men type mutant powers would be acceptable.
But just expecting the audience to take it at face value with no logical reason is lazy and insulting.
Though, I guess complaining that Twilight is insulting my intelligence is a bit silly. I knew what I was getting into after all.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #8: almost frustrated looking smirk while watching Rainy Day share her memories. 43:11
90% of the vampire super powers involve some sort of mental manipulation. Hmm…
Alice’s message that only Bella would understand is writing a note on the back of a page from a book and hiding the message in the same book
Seems pretty fool proof to me. No one but Bella could possibly crack that code.
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #9: laughing at Taylor Lautner’s bad acting and dorky laugh. 1:01:27
I’m Jacob and my laugh sounds like Scutt Farkus from A Christmas Story.
I’m Bella and my sister-in-law just informed me that I’m to send my baby away with a man who is literally in love with her.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this story? Lets just send the baby who looks like she’s six years old away with the creepy wolf man
The creepy wolf man who, by the way, wants to have sex with the baby girl.
RT @TonyTheTeddy: ITS NOT PEDOPHILIA IF THEIR IN LOOOOVVEEEEE
Oh that laugh, Michael Sheen you’re making me swoon.
Oh. My. God.
This battle scene is living up to every bit of the hype. This is the high point of the Twilight series.
Bill Condon, you are my hero.
Also, that was a perfect inclusion of the Wilhelm scream.
The Twilight movies are trash but you cannot argue that Bill Condon didn’t do a remarkable job given what he had to work with.
The man gave us a giant wolf tearing Dakota Fanning’s head off. That’s worth at least something in my book.
And then they had to ruin the best scene in the whole series by reminding you “this is still a Stephenie Meyer story.” *sigh*
Oh look, it’s Deus ex Machina man. You remember that character right? The one that was never ever introduced prior to this moment? Ergh.
“I became full grown seven years after my birth.”*vomits*
RT @PABastien: Stop and think about what’s going to happen to Rice Krispy Square on her seventh birthday. then vomit.
RT @PABastien: Wait I got a visual aid… pic.twitter.com/9eK6P87ObA
Jacob to Edward:
“So, should I start calling you Dad?”RESTRAINING ORDER!
Kristen Stewart Smile Counter #10: confused, frustrated, & somewhat repulsed smile while approaching Jacob, Edward, & Raisin Bran Crunch…
…or maybe I’m just projecting. 1:39:04
If I had seen what Alice just saw I would not be smiling.
Oh wow, what a doozy. Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is a near perfect encapsulation of everything strange, repulsive & insane about this series.
Props to Bill Condon for doing what he could to elevate the material despite having to stick fairly close to the source
That final battle was a stroke of pure genius, and by far the best thing to happen in this whole crazy series.
Twilight is like stepping into a crazy fever dream poured out from the mind of Stephenie Meyer, and that is a scary place to be.
One I don’t care to ever revisit.
Breaking Dawn – Part 2 takes the cake for best entry, but the first Twilight gets an honorable mention.
None of the movies are good by any estimation, but those two have enough enjoyable campiness dispersed throughout to be almost charming.
Charming in the so bad it’s good kind of way. There’s nothing earnestly charming about anything in this series.
Bill Condon, though, brought a surprising amount of real talent to the last two films. Again, the story is crap, but he directed them well.
He’s responsible for some truly great sequences tucked away in these movies: the Pre-wedding nightmare and the final battle, for example.
Twilight still baffles me. How something like this could even get made, let alone be insanely popular.
As @Sam_Strange said, Twilight is a goofy thing, maybe even the goofiest thing. It’s a truly bizarre moment of pop culture history.
And this concludes my week of Stephenie Meyer madness. It’s been… well, it’s sure been something.
Recap. Total Kristen Stewart Smiles: 10. Best scene: that fight scene. Oh Lordy that fight scene. Second best scene: Michael Sheen’s laugh.

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